Soul, Save Me.

I was raised in a christian household. We went to church every Sunday where I was taught to follow my pastors footsteps. When he bowed his head, we prayed. When he spoke, we sat still and listened. When he wanted to sing, we hit the highest notes. We lived precisely how God wanted us to, and I never questioned it. That is until one day my brother confessed that he no longer believed in God. Having been taught to watch our thoughts and actions for fear of going to hell, you can imagine my apprehension at discovering his true feelings. I knew I had to find a way to bring him back to church; Back to God.

I was very young when I learned how to disassociate myself from my feelings. I felt it was my purpose in life to be the strong one. The person that could handle anything. I wanted to take away the pain others felt. I wanted to be the one would could solve their problems and bring them joy. I wanted to be a person whose own feelings didn't matter.  So, anytime that I felt hurt or scared, I would just detach myself. I would push the thoughts as far back in my mind as possible. I had to be strong.

As I aged, my reasoning for detaching changed. I grew selfish and cold. I no longer had the freedom to decide what I wanted to feel and what I didn't. I didn’t plan it, but I grew angrier with every conversation we had. I couldn't understand how my brother could be so foolish. But the worst part wasn't that he had changed his views, the worst part was that he was challenging mine.

I did what I could to ignore it. I was sure that the answer would find its way to me somehow. But as the years passed, I struggled to understand. I thought if I could just imagine life through his eyes, I could figure out how I was going to get him back. This method proved to be very destructive for me and my entire belief system. I began to question the very thoughts that I once held so high. It wasn’t very long after, that I stopped believing as well.

I watched as my entire life unraveled before me. Soon, I had lost everything that I had worked so hard for. I wondered if this was my punishment? I had finally reached the darkest point in my life. I had nothing to live for. I took some time to re-evaluate how I felt, but what I found wasn’t anything I had expected. For the first time in my life, I felt relieved!

Twenty-five years of pressure; every thought that weighed me down… It was all...gone. I took a good look around me and began to wonder if I even actually wanted all those things I had recently lost. Just like that, it was like a wildfire spread through my mind. How had I been so blind? My entire life...everything I had believed, everything I wanted, it was all a lie. It was all thoughts put into my mind by the world around me. AND I had never even questioned it!

 Suddenly there it was, the answer I had been waiting for...knowledge.

I decided it was finally time to hear my brother out. He’s incredibly well educated, so he had to have had reasons for believing the way he does. Instead of making the same mistakes, he decided it would be best to have me read some articles for myself. It didn't take me very long to understand; Evidently, his anger wasn’t directed at God, but at the disgusting acts (throughout history) by those who claimed to be religious.

Christians were among many to have murdered people they thought were “witches.” Preachers have gained the trust of others only to have raped their children. Churches turned people away based on richness. Article, after article of terrible crimes committed by those who claim to have been ‘called by God.’ The perfect bubble I was raise in, shattered.

I once held great pride in the fact I was Christian. I thought I was setting out to do good and change the world. But religion is an earthly creation. Religion forces its’ worshipers to do whatever the church wants... It’s a great evil hidden in plain sight, and most never question it because it is associated with the great creator. Even the ‘sacred texts’ have been translated and changed time and time again to fit the will of the new author. NO. I am no longer claiming any religion.

I feel a connection to God. I feel what I feel, not because I have to, and certainly not because someone wants me to, but because I know God. I choose what I believe. I believe that my soul is my connection to God. I don’t need a book or another sinner to tell me what God wants, God tells me what he wants. And I will be as light as a feather and flow freely to where he leads. True faith, comes from within. Trust your soul.

Ex Animo,

SimplyPiscesLogic

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