The heavy sh*t

I started this blog site because i truly have a passion for writing, and always have, but so much has changed over the last two years. I have been wanting to sit down and write some more but my thoughts don't even feel like my own anymore.

The phrase toxic abuse has a very real definition in my mind now... It's a figure with a face. Its a man with a desire to control the pretty things he doesn't deserve. I became a fool waiting for the fantasy i pictured in my mind; the empty promises that came from his lips. The damages my body suffered that can never be restored. I've aged fifteen years in the last two. I had gone twenty-seven years without a broken bone, but by the end of our first year, i was recovering from four. My nose broken twice, both sides of my jaw dislocated months apart. I would justify his actions.... "He's a recovering addict, he's going to struggle with his past for a while; his body needs time to adjust to it's new life of sobriety. He may even relapse a time or two before he's back to his old self again." If i only knew then what i know now...

It's not a relapse if he's activity using... If he's more on it then he is off. I kept telling myself someday this pain will pay off. That he doesn't really mean it, it's the drugs...i EVEN went as far as to tell myself HE was the one in pain and i needed to help him! I'm so embarrassed as i look back. I never went one whole day in that relationship completely happy. It would always end with a bullshit fight he would create so he could go get high and come back and tell me it was all my fault he did it... Some days he'd get so bold as to tell me he needed to borrow some money so he could get a Suboxone because he was "too sick" and if he didn't get it, he would threaten to go get high because he was so very ill.

I knew nothing of the world of drugs, most i ever did was smoke weed when i had first became an adult. I had no clue just how much i was being manipulated. I had some anxiety before all this, but that was nothing compared to how i feel now. Im afraid to leave my home unless i can watch him while I'm gone. Im afraid to leave him around my animals. I have cameras up throughout my house, inside and out. Im afraid he's going to kill me and if he does i want it recorded. I won't let him get by with all the this. The cops here in this small town won't take me seriously.

The camera in my bedroom is motion censored because that's where the violence usually occurs. I don't even sleep in there anymore. I sleep on the couch with my dogs and with my Amazon Alexa above my head. (Alexa makes a noise any time there's movement on the camera in the bedroom) i start recording on my phone anytime he comes near me. He says he's ok with all that because in his mind i honestly think he believes in my abusive one.

It'd be easy to make it look that way if you only recorded my reaction to his abuse. He's told everyone I'm crazy and i won't even speak up for myself anymore. It hasn't done any good any time i tired. If they want know the whole truth I'll play it all back for them I'm not going to say a word.....

You see from the outside i do look paranoid but literally anyone that really knows him, knows this isn't all me. No one knows I started recording everything after he went outside in the snow without a shirt on in 10° degree weather. I was terrified he was going to get sick of pass out because he clearly wasn't sober, so i went out to check on him. He became inraged when i started getting close to where he was hiding behind the outbuilding and he darted around it when he heard i was getting close, slamming me into the side of the building before tackling me to the ground... Breaking the bone in my finger. That was at the beginning of this year. We were snowed in and the power was out...i had to sleep beside him that night in absolute pain trying my best not to let him know the extent of the damage he'd caused in fear that it would "hurt his feelings" and he'd become angry and chaotic again......

Im going to stop there for now.. I'm embarrassed to post this but i truly believe it is the honest way to clear my mind.

Ex amino,

Simplypisceslogic