The option person

SimplyPiscesLogic
Jun 18, 2018
4 min read

I was going through an old journal from when I started this site. This was on March 18, 2017 & April 7, 2017. I was in a much darker place, not only in my life but also in my mind. This was also the day that I decided my life was worth living. I hold strongly to the saying, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." It was this moment that I decided to change my world. It hurt like hell but I also discovered true friendships, and what it actually meant to be alive. Maybe someone else out there feels the same way I was feeling...I truly wish the best for you, love. Letting go of everything you once held close is so painful, but if you are already in pain, is it really worth holding on? No matter how painful this change can be at first, at least you know you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. BE STRONG!!

March 18, 2017

I'm so tired of being the “option person.” I feel like no one even thinks about me until last minute scenario’s where they fear being the outcast if they go in alone.

I want to be the person that someone runs to, not just with their problems, but with their joys and dreams. I want to be the one that is someone's first choice.

I want to be appreciated for more than just “being a body to fill a slot.” I want to be a priority. I want someone to lean on when I feel down. I want someone I can call with my troubles or joys. I want someone that is simply around me because they want to be.

I have become so afraid to talk to people, not because I am shy, but because I'm afraid I will make their life worse in some way just for being myself.

My heart is hurting right now. Looking back I only ever had one friend that actually wanted to be friends with me, not because I had anything to offer them, but simply because they enjoyed my company….And I was so careless and mean. I had a diary. That person broke my trust and read it without my consent. I guess in that scenario it's okay to be mean, I was hurting so bad. That was the ending to our friendship. I have not had an honest friend since I was 15. All my friends now… I'm sure they only want to hang out with me because they feel sorry for me in some way… Either that or they want to share their drama with someone else in order to validate themselves & yes, I am thinking of ONE specific person when I say that. I can't stand being around someone who always NEEDS to have something wrong in order to feel good about their life. They will purposely start fights with any random person just so they can complain about how bad their life is, or how attacked they feel. Like seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people?! No wonder I feel so alone.

Sometimes I just want to go so far away from everything I've even known. I imagine once I get there I'll either thrive, or I'll become so afraid that I'll never stray again…..but damn it, how will I ever know?! It's like I keep waiting for someone to give me the “OK.”

April 7, 2017

Today I woke up not knowing where I was, or what I had forgotten.

Today I decided….I quit. I just QUIT.

I quit hurting. I quit fighting. I quit trying to make this work. I know in my heart I just can't go on. Today, I did it! I finally gave in. And you know what? I feel numb, but better somehow. I just walked away and I feel so disconnected, yet somehow, more together than I have felt in YEARS. Someday I will try again. Someday I will let someone in my heart, but I just can't right now. I just want to cry. I want to change the past; what he did. How could he be so cold. I can't breathe right now. And as much as it hurts me to admit it I want him to hurt. I want him to feel my pain. Why is it that he gets to be happy...Why does he get to move on? I was good to him. I did everything I thought was right. Damn it, I loved him. But I quit today. I quit standing around wait for him to finally realize how much I care. I want him to know how much he hurt me. But fuck it. Just fuck it all. Five years just wasted. But I'm not going to let him stop me. I will recover. I will find a new place to call home; A new heart to cherish. Hopefully the next will see my value. But if he doesn't then I will still be okay because I know my heart, I know I'm strong. I know everything will fall into place someday even through right now I can't see past the tears in my eyes. I refuse to let this heart stay broken.